Who is The Learned Turtle?



The Learned Turtle is an unusual fellow, with myriad facets, a plethora of multifarious obsessions and he hates to pay for anything. The following short story will hopefully give you an insight into this mysterious and enigmatic figure, and his unfortunate demise...

It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, The Learned Turtle (who will from this point on be referred to as Turts), woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the third time it had happened. Feeling really relieved, Turts attacked a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Ever so extemperaneously, he realized that his beloved adjustable wrench was missing!  Immediately he called his so-called buddy, Lester. Turts had known Lester for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were saucy ones.  Lester was unique. He was intelligent though sometimes a little... annoying. Turts called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Lester picked up to a very calm Learned Turtle. Lester calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats yawn before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually sassily shudder after mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Turts.  Why was Lester trying to distract Turts?  Because he had snuck out from Turts's with the wrench only eight days prior.  It was a enticing little wrench...even sexy...how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Turts got back to the subject at hand: his adjustable wrench. Lester yawned. Reluctantly, Lester invited him over, assuring him they'd find the wrench. Turts grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Lester realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the wrench and he had to do it aggressively. He figured that if Turts took the hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle, he had take at least three minutes before Turts would get there.  But if he took the Vespa?  Then Lester would be scarcely screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Lester was interrupted by four stupid lions that were lured by his dubious wrench. Lester shuddered;
'Not again', he thought.
Feeling angered, he aptly reached for his ripened avocado and aggressively punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the Vespa arriving.  It was Turts.

----o0o---- 

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of wolverines, so he knew he was running late.  With a apt leap, Turts was off the Vespa and went flamboyantly jaunting toward Lester's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Lester was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the wrench into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his refrigerator. Lester was pleased that at least the wrench was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Lester explosively purred.
With a quick push, Turts opened the door.
'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive self-righteous homosexual in a helicopter.' he lied.
'It's fine,' Lester assured him, looking like he'd just pissed his pants.
Turts took a seat frighteningly close to where Lester had hidden the wrench. Lester panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.
'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.
But Turts was distracted. Giggling like schoolgirl, Lester noticed a abrasive look on Turts's face.
Turts slowly opened his mouth to speak, 'What's that smell?'

Lester felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Turts asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the wrench right by his oscillating fan.
'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'
A lie.  A pestering look started to form on Turts's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place.
'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'.
Turts nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Lester could react, Turts aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The adjustable wrench was plainly in view.

Turts stared at Lester for what what must've been three hours. Giggling like a crazed ape, Lester groped explosively in Turts's direction, clearly desperate. Turts grabbed the wrench and bolted for the door. It was locked. Lester let out a saucy chuckle.
'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened!' he rebuked.
Lester always had been a little oafish, so Turts knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Lester did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. A few nerdy minutes later, he gripped his wrench tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Lester looked on, blankly.
'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' he yelled.
Silence from Turts.
'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!'
Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Turts.
'Oh.  You ..okay?'
Still silence. Lester walked over to the window and looked down. Turts was gone!

----o0o---- 

Just yonder, Turts was struggling to make his way through the marijuana plantation behind Lester's place. Turts had severely hurt his scrotum during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral lions suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the torn scrotum.  One by one they latched on to Turts.  Already weakened from his injury, Turts yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of lions running off with his adjustable wrench and one bloodied testicle.

About eight hours later, Turts awoke, his armpit throbbing.  It was dark and Turts did not know where he was.  Deep in the mysterious magical cornfield, Turts was abnormally lost. Happy as a frickin' monkey, he remembered that his adjustable wrench was taken by the lions. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life.  That's when, to his horror, a big lion emerged from the bush.  It was the alpha lion. Turts opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the lion sunk its teeth into his kidney. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Turts's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than five miles away, Lester was entombed by anguish over the loss of the wrench.
'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened ripened avocado.
With a deft thrust, he buried it deeply into his love handle.  As the room began to fade to black, he thought of Turts...wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him.  But he would die alone that day.  All that remained was the adjustable wrench that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise.  And as the dew on melancholy sapling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant lions, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.  Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead.  So, no one lived forever after.

The end.


[It may come as a surprise, but the preceding story is entirely made up, and it was crafted by the Random Story Generator -- LS]

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